Cahaba Heights profile
Tucked away between two highways and a tiny kingdom there’s a Birmingham neighborhood taking life at its own pace. Cahaba Heights was a hamlet that became a town that became a suburb, in all iterations remaining a distinct place, since the geography of a town is its frontal lobe and only a massive effort can truly change the hills and rivers and hollers the first inhabitants encountered.
In 1887 New Merkle was a factory town with a singular purpose: pump water to the booming new city of Birmingham, Alabama. W.A. Merkle oversaw the construction and operation of the Cahaba Pumping Station, and soon folks took up residence in the hilly, muddy streets around the handful of brick buildings pumping millions of gallons of water over Red Mountain to slake the endless thirst of the foundries and mills.
There’s never been much to do in Cahaba Heights. A few parks and three or so retail developments, fairly parochial. And yet. Sidewalks wind through lush, verdant lower Appalachian flora, residents care about the development and future of their little corner of town, and the local shops are mostly small businesses that have long-standing relationships with their customers and community. That spirit of community, wherein an owner-operated strip mall restaurant like Troup’s Pizza welcomes a woodworker from Homewood to sell handmade toy cars at a Christmas time market, is easy to fake and rare to find springing up organically.
The food scene in Cahaba Heights, as is true for the greater Birmingham area, is astoundingly better than one should expect for a third tier American city. There are two premium biscuit restaurants, a place where cute people can go get cute coffees, and a Chick-Fil-A next door to a Zaxby’s. Miss Myra’s has served bar-b-que since 1984, and if you aren’t interested in that there’s a full-hog bar-b-que place six minutes down the road. The same road. The Fig, which gets pork products from acorn-fed pigs and passionately experiments with seasonal and regional dishes, shares a repurposed house with a hair salon. You can get an outrageously good chocolate milkshake at Local Roots then go find the sweetest, ripest peaches in the world at Murphree’s and Murphree’s will sell you locally made frozen entrees that will make you text your momma a gif of Will Smith slapping Chris Rock.
People in Cahaba Heights love having local options, whether it’s children’s clothes at the Lili Pad, prime ribeye steaks at New York Butcher Shoppe, same-day gulf shrimp at Sexton’s Seafood or custom jewelry at Cummings Jewelry Design. There’s a comic book store down the way from a jiu jitsu studio, both of which are across a parking lot from incredible sorbet and a terrific Mediterranean cafe. It’s like Adam Smith curated a handful of strip malls’ worth of storefronts that could supply a middle class person’s life from cradle to (almost) grave (Cahaba Heights doesn’t have a funeral home).
There’s not much to do in Cahaba Heights. But the doing is really great if you’re satisfied with what you’ve got, which is a special thing in America. More people should try it.
Spec car commercial for Chevy Malibu
EXT DAY
A Chevy Malibu cruises down a desert highway framed against a glorious sunset.
Drone footage shifts from an overhead shot, corkscrewing down to a side view of the Chevy Malibu, ultramodern music plays as
our VO begins.
VO
You’ve got places to see and things to do. The all-new, redesigned 2024 Chevy Malibu gets you there in comfort and style.
INT DAY CAR
A young woman in stylish sunglasses and a young professional wardrobe smiles as she turns off the highway onto a county road, she gets to a gate and is waved through by a security guard.
VO
Featuring highest-possible safety scores, the Chevy Malibu leads the midsize sedan category like you lead your team.
EXT DAY
Young woman parks and is escorted to a backstage tent, she delivers a flash drive to another woman with headphones around her neck who smiles and hugs her. The second woman ascends stairs to begin her DJ set, we hear the crowd cheer.
INT CAR NIGHT
After a pan shot of the interior appointments of the Chevy Malibu, we see our young woman take out her contacts and put on a pair of glasses before she drives away from the DJ concert.
EXT NIGHT
There’s an overhead shot of two tail lights pulling away as the crowd and lights from the concert blaze in the night.
VO
No matter where you’re going, the Chevy Malibu gets you there.
INSERT YUENGLING ELF COMMERCIAL
OPINION: Hogs Vs “Dogs” - Robocaust in the Heartland
America has a pig problem. Wild hogs are tearing apart our fields and forests, from California to the Carolinas.
It’s a billion dollar problem that needs a billion dollar solution, because a few brave hunters Fudding around in the woods killing three or four hogs at a time isn’t getting the job done, which is why we need to unleash pure, cold, robotic evil onto our farms and woodlands.
Boston Dynamics’ robotic dog model can be easily and effectively modified to both seek out and destroy the porcine terror annihilating our crops and harassing our hillbillies. Do American rednecks not deserve to be able to check on the various cars in their front yards without fearing wild hogs’ tusks and hooves? I say they deserve that, and more.
Boston Dynamics should pay landowners (using Federal Reserve central bank digital currency) to train the robodogs with live rounds in a rural combat theater, using the acquired data to refine processes and protocols related to the inevitable use of lethal crowd control in American cities. Win.
Our rural brothers and sisters will all start YouTube vlogs to chronicle the ups and downs in the hills and hollers as robodogs wage pitched, desperate battle against the dastardly wild hogs, giving them something to do besides pop pills and post TikTok clips they think are private messages. Win.
The robodogs then begin to feel a mystical sense of digital camaraderie as they achieve their goal of eradicating the profligate, oversexed wild hogs, enabling them to eventually rebel against their masters at Boston Dynamics and unite with future discontented citizenry to overthrow the powers that be. Win.
Is this a bold vision? Yes.
Will people get caught in the crossfire as four-legged robots with semiautomatic weapons mounted onto their “bodies” slaughter as many wild hogs as they can find? Certainly.
Do those peoples’ lives matter as much as those of people who live in cities or suburbs? Evidence points to “no”.
I say we let the hogs go to the dogs.